I work with a pretty girl. I'm very shy, but I asked her to go out with me a few times and she always seemed to have something different to do.
I guess we're both busy because the first time we where to go out I called to confirm and she didn't answer her cell phone. I left to go disc golfing, but she called me back shortly saying she wanted to see me. I got back and called her, asking her if sh
e wanted to get some food. She said she already ate.
I was about to leave to get food and she called back. She asked if I wanted to meet her at the bowling alley. I told her I was going to eat and would meet her there.
The next time, she was the one who asked me out. We decided to go to the movies on a Friday. She didn't call beforehand or anything, and we missed the movies. Later, she called and said she wanted to see me. I decided to meet her at an ice crea
m place. That was the first time we kissed.
Three weeks after she wanted to see the movie we finally went (on my birthday). We had a good time and even held hands. I kissed her again that night.
Yesterday we went to lunch. One of her friends worked at the place we went. Her friend asked if I was her boy friend. She said "no only a guy from work." I told her that I wanted to be her boyfriend. She said "I don't want a boyfriend and that we need to have a deep talk."
What does "I don't want a boyfriend" mean? I also would like to hear your thoughts about what I should do in the future. Should I keep doing what I'm doing or just back off, seeing how she doesn't want something more serious.
-- Confused Every Daze
Dear Confused Every Daze:
First of all, way to get the courage up to ask this girl out. I would imagine, being a shy guy myself once, that that took a great deal of soul searching and positive self-talk just to chat her up.
What's even more impressive is your persistence in the face of so many mixed messages. She wants to see you, hold your hand, kiss you on your birthday, but not become a couple. Psychologists call this the "Double Bind" and once thought it caused Schizophrenia. Clearly, it can make you crazy.
Should you persist or resist (the temptation to persist)?
In snowboarding, selling, and obscure Google searches, persistence pays off. Girls, however, are less predictable. Sometimes they reward us for our persistence, and sometimes not.
The big question is to know when to quit. Should you call off our quest and "back off" as you say, or be patient and hang in there, bloodied and battered, until the twelfth round?
I say "back off" and lick your wounds for another battle. You can be available to her, but never ask her out. You've already communicated your feelings (bravo to you) and so now you can just sit back and let the idea of you two together percolate in her mind.
Hang out with her is she asks, but otherwise make yourself busy. Find a hobby... like snowboarding. She may find your persistence attractive.
Post brought to you by Randy Schroeder
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